Asha Ariya @asha.ariya.llc
I feel like this is a bit of a coming out, I feel very vulnerable, apprehensive, but I also feel it is extremely important be authentic. No guilt, no shame, shining light on the shadow so nothing can hide in the darkness. Deep breath... here we go.
I was a narcissist, control, lies and manipulation was my game. It was a real game too, I had so many lies and stories going at once, with family, friends, work, it was exhausting to manage so I didn't get caught in the lies I had spun.
Why did I lie? It was my coping mechanism from growing up in an abusive home. Physical abuse, drugs, alcohol, fear, shame, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, walking on eggshells always.
Both of my parents are narcs too, they raised me to be like I was, while violently punishing me for being like that. I changed who I was to fit into their mold, to stay safe, I was the good girl, their golden child compared to my brother, the trouble maker.
Terrified of getting in trouble because the punishment was severe. A smack in the face, multiple whacks across the ass with a belt, held down and forced to drink liquid soap, or locked in my room.
I suffered from nightly stomachaches since I was a small child which continued into adulthood, had migraines for years. As a child I would speak in public about very inappropriate sexual things because of my exposure to sexual abuse.
And when that happened, I was "popped" in the mouth or physically punished both in public or when we got home. Because I had little control over my own bodily autonomy, I often took out that frustration and angry on the family pets.
I got married and had a child, and a lot of the same cycles continued. I did what I was taught to do, until I learned better.
I found my teacher, Liana Shanti, in 2013 through her RawganicVegan page, when my daughter chose to go vegetarian. I wanted to support her the best I could. I soon followed in my daughter's footsteps.
That's when I really started learning, healing, changing. My decision to go vegan was the first wedge in the marriage and over the following 3 years, things just got worse. I started controlling and arguing less, and he started trying to control and argue more. 2016 was also the year I started remembering a lot of the major abuse I suffered but my parents were in complete denial.
My life completely changed in what seemed within 24 hours. Liana empowered me with making my own decisions, she never advised me to do or not do something. She always advised to make the decision myself, which I based on what felt right for me and my daughter. So I cut contact with my entire family, divorced my husband and started living life for myself and my daughter. The abuse from my ex got a lot worse, with extreme emotional and financial abuse added to the list. Staying with him would have just perpetuated the abuse cycles as well as the abuse me and my daughter were receiving.
None of them were easy decisions, they were absolutely terrifying actually. But that's what happens when you are so enmeshed with your parents and husband, I couldn't tell where they ended and where I started. I completely lost the essence of who I was, who I am. My own life, my fire within, my wants, my needs, my hearts desires. I was a shell of myself, I felt dead on the inside and the need to control was my motivation every minute of every day.
Healing as a narc has seemed almost impossible at times, especially when Liana often says that narcs never heal. They are too caught up in their lies, false webs, and projecting their shit onto others, they extremely rarely look within. (My words) I feel even more grateful knowing I was a narc that has done a lot of healing and I have a lot more to go. But if it was not for Liana, and my accidental landing on her vegan page all those years ago, I cringe as I reflect on how life could have been.
A life without Jesus, extreme self hate, judgemental as hell, anger and rage spilling out all over unexpectedly, using people for my own benefit, lying about everything, having zero compassion and empathy, controlling everyone and everything around me, feeling like a victim in life and blaming everyone else for my problems, extreme entitlement.
All things I have healed completely or are currently healing. My life is completely different. I no longer suffer from nightly stomachaches, no more migraines, no more control, no more anger outbursts, no more manipulation. My life is peaceful, I am happy and I am learning to believe in myself, trust myself, and trust Jesus.
Liana is my teacher, my mentor, she leads by example. Never tells us what to do, always leads us back to ourselves - as frustrating as that is sometimes. We all deserve unconditional love, and I thank Liana from the bottom of my heart for showing me what that really is.