Kristen Macara @sovereign_healthandwellness

It’s taken me ages to find the words to share my healing journey. I had already disconnected from my dysfunctional family decades before I found Liana Shanti. So that part was done. What wasn’t done was truly seeing and dealing with the wounds my parents had caused.

While there was no physical abuse. There was definitely abandonment, neglect and a total lack of anything that resembled parenting other than discipline when my mom saw fit - she was the rule maker, the disciplinarian, she called the shots. My dad was useless and lazy and unpredictable. He never laid a hand on me though, it was my mom’s job to do the spanking, and now saying that I see that it contradicts what I said about physical abuse- which I will admit didn’t happen often, that I can remember.

I was on constant eggshells with my dad. Sometimes he was funny and chatty, other times he’d flip out and tell me to shut up and leave him alone, especially when I asked the slew of ‘annoying’ questions kids ask. I learned to avoid him and wait for him to initiate conversation.

No one gave a shit if I came or left or what I did really. I had the regular curfew stuff and got grounded for dumb things considering a lot of the things most would consider dangerous and reckless, my mom actually let me do. No one dictated to me who to date, how to dress, who to hang out with or what to do with my life. I was free to do as I pleased in that regard. They literally didn’t care. But with that came no support. No encouragement. No guidance. Literally nothing. It was like living in my own bubble having only my most basic needs met, like food and shelter.

It was a void with the odd disciplinary action. No guidance, no love, not much of anything. But I did know I was not planned nor wanted by either of my parents. That was no secret. It left a lot of wounding. When I picture my childhood, I see a little girl, sitting alone surrounded by a void, doing her own thing.

I started drinking and smoking weed pretty young. I think the first time I got drunk I was maybe 13. It became regular after that. Then I found weed which was more on again off again. Both were an attempt to escape my reality.

Starting at a pretty young age I made many of my own choices that pissed my parents off. I mean I had to, no one else was doing it. They were never out of rebellion but out of my desire to do what I felt was best for me. I left a day camp at 6 or 7 years old because I didn’t like it there and walked all the way home. My mom was not impressed. At 15 I unenrolled myself from my high school because the school itself and the teachers were awful. I was going to fail and no one cared. They told me to work harder. I walked myself up to the inner city high school and enrolled myself - my parents were PISSED. I told them it was that or I’m dropping out and I didn’t want to drop out . I ended up graduating early with honors and scholarships. That was a huge EFF YOU to them and a huge win for me knowing I could trust my heart and by following it, I had made the right choice, for ME, not them.

The deep core wounding left me cold. Untrusting. Guarded. Empty. I left home young for obvious reasons. My parting words to them were ‘you guys are a mess, I’m becoming a mess and I don’t know who I am. I need to figure that out away from you. I don’t want to be like either of you.’ I did everything on my own. I traveled alone. I moved all over the place alone. I spent a lot of time alone - the same as I did as a child and teen. The one thing I didn’t do at that point was put up with shit. At all. From anyone. I was not afraid to be alone so it was easy.

At 20, I met the man I was going to marry. A literal angel on this earth. I now know he was the only person I had experienced unconditional love from at that point and it bust me wide open. He loved me no matter what. He chose me every single day. But God had other plans and took him from this world and from me. He was only 28. I was fucking destroyed and had no one to turn to for the support I needed. A ton of awful shit happened after his death, but that’s a story in itself. I spiraled. Completely. Wounds fucking galore surfaced- I started sleeping around about a year or so after his death. I was dying for someone to care. To listen. DYING for the love I now knew existed but no longer had. For the love that HE shown me. Before him I never gave a shit. I had no idea what I was missing. I didn’t know what love was. Until I met him.

As I got older, the wounds got worse. I became really desperate to not be alone. I just wanted so badly to share my life with someone. I dated a few jerks, however I never stayed long, I always knew I deserved better, so I’d leave. And then I got to a point where I just wanted to be alone and heal. About a year into really looking at myself I was nudged back in Liana’s direction - I had followed her for years. I had quit drinking completely about 5 years before starting my healing journey and had quit weed cold turkey about a year prior. I had purged A LOT of people from my life already but my emotional issues caused by my wounding had me in a deep dark hole of depression, self loathing and a desperation to feel something other than apathy and pain. That’s ALL I felt. I hadn’t felt actual happiness in years, other than fleeting moments. It got to the point that I believed that apathy being my default setting was normal. I felt little to nothing for the most part. I was numb.

So I dove into the Liana’s programs and the healing work and It radically shifted my life. I found my voice and I spoke with my mom about all the shit she did, or more accurately, didn’t do. She didn’t gaslight me, she didn’t even make excuses. All she did was pause for a while and say ‘you’re right, I made a lot of mistakes.’ We now have a bit of a relationship. My dad has been out of my life for years now and that’s not a relationship I have any desire to repair. He’s a selfish asshole.

I completely cut out junk food/processed food, my obsession/addiction to working out transformed into a healthy relationship with exercise, my constant desire for male attention disappeared. My NEED to be with someone vanished. My love for myself went through the roof. I began to truly nourish my body, mind and soul in all ways. I became very picky about who I let into my life in any capacity.

I cut a bunch more people out. I began to trust myself again. My anxiety and insomnia vanished. My health issues vanished. I finally truly saw my worth. I stopped calling myself stupid and an idiot. I stopped picking myself apart. I stopped trying to do what other people were doing because I was finally figuring out who I was again under all that shit. I felt lost. But in a good way. Like a blank slate. A kid trying all kinds of things discovering what they truly liked. Truly feeling into my heart and following it. Finding the things that lit my soul up. I liked a lot of things before, a lot fell away, but the things that did stick and the new things I found, I don’t just like them, I love them. They light up my soul. I feel excited about life again.

My heart bursts open with gratitude, love and joy daily now. I was led back to Jesus which shifted everything. I feel connected to Him. I feel his love everyday. I feel more love in general. I give more love. My life is amazing. I’m finding my path. I’m expanding into myself and also out into the world. And I’m 100% sure had I not found Liana, my life would not look like it does today. My life is unrecognizable from what it was just a few short years ago and for that, I am eternally grateful. As I continue to dive into the work, things just keep getting better. I will be a student of Liana’s until I take my last breath. My love for her runs soul deep. She’s the most beautiful, loving, supportive empowering woman on the planet. Thank you, thank you, thank you Liana. I love you.